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Diagnosis... Murder!Wednesday, October 23, 2002
Hee. No, not murder. I'm just screwing with you.
Problems? Well, let me tell you. I had been getting puffy lately, so naturally, I was concerned. Mind you, it wasn't really a fat thing -- really just a puffy thing. This had been happening for the past half year or so -- I'd get and stay puffy for, like, 4 days in a row every month. We're talking Sta-Puff Marshmallow man puffy. Hell, the Ghostbusters ran me down 6 times just last month in their ecto mobile. Venkman and Spengler popped out with their proton packs strapped to their backs and crossed streams and I was all, like, destroyed and stuff, like, all 6 times. It was really kinda fun. In a, like, tingly sorta way. Thankfully, no long term effects seem to persist from the proton attacks. So, anyway, now I'm on the backend of a puffy week -- oh the fun (Please, note the judicious use of sarcasm). You might have been able to kind of tell that I was puffy if you saw my self portrait from Monday. Basically, it looks like someone pumped 10 pounds of air into my body -- which they didn't. No one did. I wouldn't let someone pump air into my body, I mean, you never know what'll happen, right? With my sleuthing abilities, I had the puffiness narrowed down to 2 distinct causes: 1) a male version of PMS (retaining water!) or, 2) um, something else. I wasn't solid on 2, yet -- or, for that matter -- 1, either. Finally, on Monday, I came across that something else. I looked up a hunch that Lins and I had and -- I found the cause of the puffiness! Dun dun dun! Lactose Intolerance. To think that I could be Lactose Intolerant was just plain crazy! I mean, In my high school days, I was downing about a gallon of milk every day. Just rip open the cap, throw the whole thing in my stomach and I was good to go. Gradually, I started drinking less and less milk until now I'm on the "No Milk At All" end of the scale. What scale? Christ, I dunno. The Stupid Milk Drinker's Stupid Scale of Stupidness. I dunno. You people and your demands... Cheesy announcer voice over: Lactose Intolerance: [ominous whipser] The Silent Killer. Producer: Aahm. No. We're gonna haveta tone that down, there. Lactose Intolerance doesn't kill. It only puffs and stuff. Riddy? Take Two! Announcer: Lactose Intolerance: You, too, can look all [dismissive] puffy and [bored] disfigured whenever [punch it] you eat dairy food. Producer: Great! That's a wrap, there! Let's go eat some sausages! Let's look a little bit closer at the phenomenom I refer to as Lactose Intolerance, shall we? Computer: Set a course for WebMD.com. *bleepty bleepty* Nice work. Computer: Search for information on "Lactose Intolerance". *bloopty bleep* Excellent work, my friend! *donkey noise* Ahem. Well, according to WebMD.com, here are the main symptoms of Lactose Intolerance:
Um. Sorry. So I'm pretty damn resigned to the fact that I've got to take it easier on the cheeses and the ice creams and yes, damn it, even (or: especially) the Häagen-Dazs Chocolate Fudge with Almonds ice cream bar. Damn it. It's a chocolate adventure, though! Milk Chocolate, Roasted Almonds, Ribbons of Rich Chocolate Fudge and Chocolate Ice Cream! Damn! I could go out and buy all the Lactaids and the Lacteriffics and the Lactomic Bombs and all that, but, you know, I'm lazy and shit. So I guess I'll probably end up just watching my intake or something. How cruel it can be to be unable to tolerate lacstose. Cruel, indeed. Now that you know way more about me than you probably wanted to, I'll get going... Eric |
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